INSIGHT

by Newton E. Deiter, Ph.D.

Several issues ago, I wrote a column on relationships. Since then, several of you have shared your thoughts on your own relationships. Two letters in particular struck me as being of particular value: one from a couple in their twenties who have spent just over five years in their relationship and the other from a couple in their fifties with over twenty-five years together.

The first thing that impressed me about both these letters was that if the signatures had been exchanged, the letters would have been just as meaningful. No generation gap here; both couples had, from their own perspectives, come to almost identical views as to the qualities that, for them, make a relationship go.

With a luminous quality all their own, words like "honesty." "openness," "trust," "personal integrity" shone from the pages of their letters. They have recognized that without that essential honesty they have nothing. There are no

"Each party to the relationship feels free to express his inner thoughts, to explore doubts and attempt to resolve questions about the quality of the relationship."

secrets; problems are faced, discussed and dealt with. Not always are they dealt with in the most satisfactory manner when retrospection lends some perspective to the situation, but at least the attempt is made when an awareness of an existing problem first surfaces.

Each party to the relationship feels free to express his innerthoughts, to explore doubts and attempt to resolve questions about the quality of the relationship. There is a candor that is refreshing in a world that more and more. tends to promote dishonesty and hypocrisy as acceptable modes in the interactions between people.

It was interesting to me that both couples expressed a need for ventilating arguments, and were successful in making this process work for them. In one case, a regular day and time was set aside for ventilation sessions. In the other, either party was free to call for "fight time," and the other would respond even if it meant putting off something that had been well in advance. Both of these mechanisms for ventilation tell us that here are people who put the quality of their own relationship above all other considerations.

There is an added benefit that accrues from this process for my two correspondents. Both couples point out that when they take the time to vent their hostilities and explore their emotions together, their sexual interactions improve markedly both qualitatively and quantitatively. Since sexuality is so

much a part of many of our lives, I feel that it is important to look closely at what we are being told here..

I have always felt that it is difficult, almost to the point of impossibility, to carry on a continuing and meaningful sex life with someone when there are unresolved emotional conflicts between the two of you. Our gonadal responses are so tied to the state of our emotional health that we must recognize the connection. Think about

...

it is difficult to carry on a continuing and meaningful sex life with someone when there are unresolved emotional conflicts between the two of you."

your own contacts; when you have approached a sexual liaison from a point of joy, anticipation, discovery, and with a mind freed from the pressures of daily life, it probably has been far more satisfactory than when that interaction has taken place out of a sense of duty, obligation or selfishness. In an ongoing relationship, the manner in which you approach sex can either create or relieve tensions.

For instance, if you tend to use sex as a defensive weapon, you are programming yourself for failure. How do we do that? One example might be in bed. Your lover raises a question for discussion. You are not comfortable with the question or with the answer you may have to give. Instead of responding, you use your sexuality to distract him from his point. You have sex and then you turn over to sleep, secure in the knowledge that you've weathered that conflict. He lies

"In an ongoing relationship, the manner in which you approach sex can either create or relieve tensions."

there thinking, "But what about ..?" You get the idea. Disaster can be just over the horizon; communications have broken down.

In the letters I've mentioned, both couples repeated in many ways the essential necessity of keeping communication channels. open, of being willing to talk about any issue, of maintaining openness while at the same time. retaining their individual opinion and integrity. It's obviously working for them. It can work for you as well.

My next column will be addressing the question of age differences in relationships, and my thanks to the reader who suggested the subject. If you've got an idea for a topic you'd like to see explored, or for that matter, any general comments, drop me a note c/o the ADVOCATE. And Deiter will be on this same corner under the lamppost in two weeks.

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